The Best & Worst Ways to Approach Hard Conversations
As humans who prefer to keep the peace, most of us will avoid having hard conversations like the plague.
It tends to follow that by the time we finally have those talks, tensions are so high that it’s easy to become reactive. So I’ll start with an obvious one, do the hard, uncomfortable thing sooner rather than later. Because the likelihood the same conversation will be meaningful and productive versus awful and unproductive goes way, way up the sooner you tackle the awkward topic. You give yourselves a much greater chance of coming out the other side okay when you take action as soon possible.
With that in mind, here are some of the best and worst ways to approach the tough talks. I have certainly hit all the high marks in the “worst” category, so let me save you the suspense and say: It doesn’t go well! So let’s start with what to avoid. Here are the worst ways to approach difficult conversations:
The Worst
Blaming, shaming, or name calling.
Venting is not communicating. If you want to vent, talk to your therapist. If you want to vent, talk to your dog. But human beings are real-life living, breathing, feeling creatures, and if you’re goal is to simply tear someone down with your words, you’re better off saving your breath.
Aggressive tone.
ARE YOU LISTENING NOW?? HOW ABOUT NOW?? YOU BETTER BE LISTENING TO ME!!! … No? Not so much? I didn’t think so. If you just tuned me out, you’ve perfectly exemplified why this is not effective.
Making it personal.
One of my favorite books is “The Four Agreements,” and this speaks to one of the agreements in that book. Stop taking things personally. It’s almost 100% of the time not about you. We are all generally more concerned with ourselves, what other people think about us, how we’re measuring up, etc. than we are thinking about how we want to ruin your life.
Centering yourself in the conversation.
If you make it all about you, you’ve lost the other person. Anytime you practice what sociologist Charles Derber calls “conversational narcissism,” you lose the opportunity for meaningful, productive dialogue.
Making yourself the victim.
Related to taking accountability, remember that a relationship is a dynamic, a dance, where each person involved in the relationship is taking on a specific role, a set of spoken and unspoken expectations. What’s your role? What have been your spoken or unspoken expectations in the relationship that may be contributing to the hard time you’re now facing?
Using “you” statements.
You statements are assumptive, tend to come across as blaming or shaming, and create an “offense/defense” dynamic. This typically doesn’t go well.
Interrupting.
This one’s simple: if you’re talking, you’re not listening. If you’re interrupting, you’re more interested in getting your point across than you’re interested in understanding the other person’s experience and perspective. Listen more. Talk less.
Using the conversation as a way to prove yourself or your point.
Hard conversations necessitate a setting down of the ego. As Celeste Headlee so brilliantly says in her book We Need to Talk, “If you want to articulate your opinion, write a blog.” Conversations are better served by a willingness to set your ego and opinions aside for the time being. As the saying goes, first seek to understand, then seek to be understood.
And now, let’s shift gears and talk about what to do instead. Here are the best ways, based on both my experience and supporting research, to approach the tough conversations:
The Best
Respect.
You must be able to find something you respect about the person before entering the hard conversation. Use empathy to imagine what you may be able to connect with them around. Keep this in mind when it’s time to talk, as it helps you remember their humanity, same as yours.
Calm Tone.
This is probably one of my biggest struggles in hard conversations… I get loud! And guess what? It’s not helpful. The moment we raise our voice, the other person’s defenses go up, and the likelihood that they will actually hear anything we’re about to say goes way down.
Assuming the best intentions.
People generally believe they are good. They are generally doing the best they can with the information they have, and with the emotional capacity they’ve built. Assume they’re not trying to ruin your life by behaving in whatever way they are. Again, it helps you show up with more empathy - which is the bedrock to meaningful and productive conversation.
Setting yourself aside (temporarily).
Don’t worry, your beliefs, values, and opinions will all be there waiting for you when the conversation is over. But when we’re able to temporarily set ourselves aside, it allows us to listen with a more open mind. We leave our opinions out of it and can instead seek to truly understand the other person and their experience and intentions.
Taking accountability for your part.
All relationships are messy. All relationships are two-way streets. Everybody’s shit stinks. So what’s your role in how things have devolved or where they are right now?
Using “I” statements.
Again, this is about ownership. You are responsible for your own feelings. No one else is there to manage or take care of your feelings for you. No one can read your mind or heart, so again, assuming the best, use “I” statements.
Listening.
If you’re just showing up to vent to the other person, to get every feeling you’ve ever had about them out, or to recap the entire history of your relationship with them and their wrongdoing along the way, you’re wasting your breath. Again, the other person’s defenses will go up and they will shut down. This is not a weakness on their part, it’s simple neuroscience and what happens in our nervous systems when we feel threatened or attacked. So, listen. And practice brevity.
Genuine curiosity.
If you’re not genuinely curious about the other person’s behavior, where it comes from, what’s underneath it, what motivates it, etc. then you’re not showing up to the conversation for the right reasons. If you are curious, you will always learn something new.
Solution-oriented.
What do you want to get out of this conversation? What kind of solutions can you bring to the table? Consider these questions ahead of time so you can better steer the conversation in a way that’s productive.
Okay! There you have it. The best and worst ways to approach difficult conversations. If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably tested out a few (or all…) of the worst ways with little luck, so I invite you to experiment with new ways of conversing when it’s time for real talk! You just might find you start to avoid the tough talks less, because they start to feel a lot less hard, and a lot more productive.
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